Look, it’s really simple…

― Dude, did you see all this stuff people are doing with CobraSpit 17.6?!!

― Yeah, I’ve been wanting to do that for a while, but I had some trouble installing it. I went to the CobraSpit download site and it said:

If you’re using [some OS], follow these instructions

If you’re using [another OS], follow these instructions.

If you’re using Windows, please switch to Linux. We can’t be bothered.

― So I went on a bunch of forums, you know, pancakexchange and stuff, and finally found someone who said: “If you have to use Windows, install the Windows versions of the following tools native to Linux. [list of tools]”

― So, I installed everything, but SmokeRrring 4.2 conflicted with Squeek and I found out that’s because it can only work with Squeek 3 which is completely different from Squeek 2. However Rootabaga only works with Squeek 2 unless you install PPa (pron. Papua), which I did. Now all I had to do was to uninstall Squeek 2, but then:

“If your computer ever had a Squeek 2 installation or has even been in the same ZIP code as another machine with Squeek 2, you should set fire to your machine and switch to Linux. If you insist on using Windows, you may be able to get around the Squeek-2-vs.-3 problem by using Screech 5. Screech 5 is for ubuntu only, but you can install CrumblyCake 3 to make it work in Windows.”

(An hour later) “CrumblyCake 3 only works with Windows 7. If you have Windows 10, install WhippedCream 8.1 and Whisk 9.2 running inside Battenberg 4 in your CatUnicornLizard-8R or oRCAsCORPIONhAWKiBEXtIGER environment.”

So you look these up and (after 25 minutes of reading puns on “ate” and “eight”) find out that CatUnicornLizard-8R [CUL8R] has been bought by a corporation and incorporated into their “solution” which costs $12,000/year (and more if you want support).

orCAscorPIONhaWKibEXtiGER is still open-source, but to run on Windows, it needs TurnTable 17.3 running on top of Onions 4. The website for Onions 4 comes up “404” and the forums suggest another dozen or so layers of stuff you can install in its place.

Still helpful and sympathetic, your friend says:

― Alternatively, you can start a Neanderthal 3 process within an Urrk channel running on top of your Dayvid stack in Aghast, and if you can talk to that with a Gennifur script—Hey! How about building a UNIX box for that from scratch? … And why were we doing this anyway?

― We were gonna use CobraSpit 17.6 to do some cool stuff really quickly.

― Oh, nobody uses that anymore. You should try PixieRust 8.0. It’s like Banana 3 but better.

― How does that work?

― Well, you need to install a SeaShell environment first, but that only works if you have Coral Wreath 9, so start by creating a Babylon 5.0 sandbox inside a BurritoCircus virtualizer running on Celery. You need Dwindle 3 for that though, which is really just an Ohmlette 5.9 instance in a fryingPeterPan shell, so it’s no big deal if you’re running ubuntu.

― Ah… I was on Windows, remember?

― Well, then why don’t you just install Screech 5?!

― Uhmm, that’s what we were trying to do in the first place.



[Look, it’s really simple… or, “Can we just go back to FORTRAN on VAX/VMS?]