Look, it’s really simple…

― Dude, did you see all this stuff people are doing with CobraSpit 17.6?!!

― Yeah, I’ve been wanting to do that for a while, but I had some trouble installing it. I went to the CobraSpit download site and it said:

If you’re using [some OS], follow these instructions

If you’re using [another OS], follow these instructions.

If you’re using Windows, please switch to Linux. We can’t be bothered.

― So I went on a bunch of forums, you know, pancakexchange and stuff, and finally found someone who said: “If you have to use Windows, install the Windows versions of the following tools native to Linux. [list of tools]”

― So, I installed everything, but SmokeRrring 4.2 conflicted with Squeek and I found out that’s because it can only work with Squeek 3 which is completely different from Squeek 2. However Rootabaga only works with Squeek 2 unless you install PPa (pron. Papua), which I did. Now all I had to do was to uninstall Squeek 2, but then:

“If your computer ever had a Squeek 2 installation or has even been in the same ZIP code as another machine with Squeek 2, you should set fire to your machine and switch to Linux. If you insist on using Windows, you may be able to get around the Squeek-2-vs.-3 problem by using Screech 5. Screech 5 is for ubuntu only, but you can install CrumblyCake 3 to make it work in Windows.”

(An hour later) “CrumblyCake 3 only works with Windows 7. If you have Windows 10, install WhippedCream 8.1 and Whisk 9.2 running inside Battenberg 4 in your CatUnicornLizard-8R or oRCAsCORPIONhAWKiBEXtIGER environment.”

So you look these up and (after 25 minutes of reading puns on “ate” and “eight”) find out that CatUnicornLizard-8R [CUL8R] has been bought by a corporation and incorporated into their “solution” which costs $12,000/year (and more if you want support).

orCAscorPIONhaWKibEXtiGER is still open-source, but to run on Windows, it needs TurnTable 17.3 running on top of Onions 4. The website for Onions 4 comes up “404” and the forums suggest another dozen or so layers of stuff you can install in its place.

Still helpful and sympathetic, your friend says:

― Alternatively, you can start a Neanderthal 3 process within an Urrk channel running on top of your Dayvid stack in Aghast, and if you can talk to that with a Gennifur script—Hey! How about building a UNIX box for that from scratch? … And why were we doing this anyway?

― We were gonna use CobraSpit 17.6 to do some cool stuff really quickly.

― Oh, nobody uses that anymore. You should try PixieRust 8.0. It’s like Banana 3 but better.

― How does that work?

― Well, you need to install a SeaShell environment first, but that only works if you have Coral Wreath 9, so start by creating a Babylon 5.0 sandbox inside a BurritoCircus virtualizer running on Celery. You need Dwindle 3 for that though, which is really just an Ohmlette 5.9 instance in a fryingPeterPan shell, so it’s no big deal if you’re running ubuntu.

― Ah… I was on Windows, remember?

― Well, then why don’t you just install Screech 5?!

― Uhmm, that’s what we were trying to do in the first place.



[Look, it’s really simple… or, “Can we just go back to FORTRAN on VAX/VMS?]

2 thoughts on “Look, it’s really simple…

  1. Good thing nowadays we have DevOps(TM) to optimize workflows so that devs could work on dev-ing instead of infrastructure. It’s simple, really. The web is the universal interface, so we just need to make all interfaces using HTML+CSS, functionality using Javascript, and push all networking through HTTP!

    – To maximize productivity, one needs the perfect programming environment. *buys ergodox _ergonomic_ keyboard with Cherry MX Blue switches, blank keycaps, with wrist pads, a standing desk, and standing pad* *account balance drops $500*

    – Dvorak is a superior keyboard layout that minimizes finger travel and reduces errors *spends 2 weeks learning Dvorak*

    – The terminal is the only good GUI, it’s how you tell the difference between 10x-ers and 1x plebs. I, an intellectual, would of course use the terminal as my primary interface.

    – There’s no windowing system in the terminal, good thing there’s tmux! *learns 20 shortcuts to navigate in tmux* *installs 10 plugins to make the interface _just the way I want it_*

    – vim is clearly superior to emacs, there’s no question about that. *spends days practicing vim shortcuts*

    – I miss auto-completing brackets/quotes/parentheses, quick access to my files, quick HTML editing shortcuts. I also want relative numbering, 80-char highlight, line highlight, auto conversion to spaces because spaces over tabs for life, and syntax coloring. *spends next 48 hours making the perfect vimrc file “see, vim is so much better than those s**ty GUI based text editors!”

    – Why is CSS such a s**t language? No variables??? No nested styling??? No functions??? *starts using SCSS in workflow*

    – Ugh, now I need Node.js *a wild 100 megabyte node_modules folder appears*

    – Javascript is horrible, because the internet told me so. *fixes dynamic typing with TypeScript*

    – Realizes new Javascript features aren’t supported on all browsers *starts using Babel*,

    – Now if only I could automate all these pre-processors, post-processors, compilers, transpilers so I don’t have to deal with them. *invokes Webpack*

    – Everyone is using Angular or React, I guess I should use that too

    – I need close to metal, fast computations, because reasons… *WebAssembly assemble*

    – What if I want my web app to feel like a native app? *uses Electron on Desktop, React Native*

    – Tests hello world skeleton app, uses 100 megabytes of RAM

    – Hey at least the project is getting somewhere!

    – Wait, that was just the front end???

    – I run a fast growing start up so I need back end solutions that are scalable, fault-tolerant, agile, and cutting edge

    – Builds back end using microservices architecture, with containerization provided by the Docker whale gods

    – Our microservices need to scale automatically according to demand *starts using Kubernetes for container orchestration*

    – We should start using stateless RESTful APIs to maximize ze efficiency

    – We need a place to store uhh… data *downloads Redis and Postgres*

    – Takes entire dev team to agile development workshops and starts using Scrum *_agility scores increases by 50%_*

    – To accomodate rapid development cycles, we must incorporate Gitflow workflow into our project, and embrace Continuous Integration/Delivery/Deployment

    – While we’re at it, lets also add Machine Learning and Blockchain(TM) to our product for no apparent reason! Because if all our data is on the blockchain, then it would be encrypted and secure!

    – Ships product, uses 400 megabytes of RAM, computer crashes

    – “I wonder if the blinking cursor rendering was too much for the CPU to handle”


    – Yes, yes it was


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